it’s amazing how you learn to internalize feeling like your mental illness is a pervasive...

it’s amazing how you learn to internalize feeling like your mental illness is a pervasive inconvenience on other people. i was thinking about this today, back before i even knew i was bipolar i remember having what i now recognize as depressive episodes. i would express that i felt “off”, not myself, and i always got told that i was just trying to make everything about me- “stop being so melodramatic.” i remember a boyfriend who, when i didn’t want to have sex, would say “stop using BPD as an excuse all the time” so i would cave. i remember a dozen “you’re so lucky i even put up with this.” i can remember so many instances of not having it in me to go out, being called lazy and a bad friend. a flake. i remember an editor dropping me for being “a liability.” i remember being suicidal and telling someone about it only to be informed how selfish i was, what a pain i was to deal with. which only made me promise to myself never to reach out to anyone again.

i don’t know. there’s only so many times you try to get help only to be reaffirmed that your mental illness is a burden on everyone else before you crack under that guilt and become so self reliant and within yourself it’s unhealthy. i guess i feel like that’s where i’m at right now. too much weight to carry myself, too much residual guilt to share it.

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