PUSSY IN BOOTS...

Here's a goody.  Long, long ago (but in the same galaxy), I

toiled in the warehouse of my local BOOTS The CHEMIST.

In the pharmacy department worked a young lady by the name of

ELIZABETH (surname withheld to spare her blushes in case she

ever reads this, unlikely as it is), whom I had a bit of a crush on.

A mild crush - not one that would ever have compelled me to

ask her out, but enough of one that would make me want to

impress her, should the opportunity present itself.

Guess what?  It did.  Sitting in the canteen one day, I was

engaged in a bit of casual conversation with Elizabeth and some

of her pharmacy colleagues.  I no longer recall what we were dis-

cussing, but at some stage the extent of my knowledge of the sub-

ject was called into question.  "You don't know everything!" one

of them said, which was like a red rag to a bull to me.  "Perhaps,

but anything I want to know, I can find out!" I stated.

They called my bluff!  "Okay then, what's Elizabeth's

mum's maiden name, and what hospital was Elizabeth born

in?" one of them asked, rather smugly.  They had flung down

the gauntlet and I had to accept or lose face.  "I'll find out!"  I de-

clared to loud jeers and derision.  Now, on the face of things, I was

in a bit of a bind.  Just how could I possibly uncover such obscure

information unless I was psychic or had access to Elizabeth's and

her mum's personal information files, kept in some secret gov-

ernment facility somewhere?  (I know, I know - watched

too many JAMES BOND films.)

This was on the Tuesday or Wednesday, and they gave

me until Friday to admit defeat.  Any other person would've

given up (scratch that - any other person would never have got-

ten themselves into that situation to begin with), but your bold 

host is made of sterner stuff.  I triumphed in my mission, wiped

the smiles from their faces, utterly astounded them , and firmly

established a reputation for being someone who didn't

make idle boasts.  Intrigued?  Of course you are.

Okay, here's how I did it.  I'd heard that the lovely

Elizabeth's birthday was near, and she'd once mentioned

which area of the town she lived when we were having an idle

chat one day, so I obtained her 'phone number from Directory

Enquiries and rang her mother.  Pretending that I was one of the

managers, I told her that the staff were planning to throw a sur-

prise party for Elizabeth's birthday, and that we were going to

stage a "THIS IS YOUR LIFE" segment so I needed a few

trivial background details to cover her life from birth to the

present day.  Did she buy it?  Of course she did - and

even gift-wrapped it for me too.

I asked a few innocuous questions, like what her

daughter's favourite colour was, where she'd been born,

best friend at school - and "Oh, what's your maiden name?"

Armed with the required knowledge, I waited 'til I had to take a

package around to the pharmacy.  As I was leaving, I casually

turned, seemingly like an afterthought, and said "By the way,

Liz, your mum's maiden name is Blackstock and you were

born at Rottenrow Maternity!"  My!  You should have

seen their jaws hit the floor - in unison, too.

I 'phoned Elizabeth's mother back shortly after and

explained my ruse - not out of guilt, but because I'd always

intended to anyway.  She was highly amused at the daring of

my subterfuge, and said "She should be glad someone would

go to all that bother!"  (What can I say?  I had a tremendous

'telephone voice'.)  Elizabeth took it in good humour too, and

I believe she was actually quite flattered.  I still never

asked her out 'though.  Foolish youth that I was!

Posted in: Cartoons