PHIL, OUTSIDE OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO CARE...

So presenter PHILLIP SCHOFIELD has come out of the closet, in a sickeningly self-important 'look at me' announcement on GOOD MORNING BRITAIN.  Are we supposed to care about what an overpaid, self-obsessed celebrity's preferences are between the sheets?  Why does he imagine for one moment that it's newsworthy?

Personally, I feel sorry for his family, who have to endure unwanted attention simply because Phil felt he needed to declare on nationwide TV that he touches his toes for the boys.  Talk about selfish?

To put his own needs above those of his loved ones displays a total disregard for them, who I'm sure would've been quite happy for the situation to remain a family affair.  His wife of 27 years, regardless of what she may claim to the contrary, must feel betrayed and humiliated.  Her marriage has seemingly been a sham since day one, and what it must do to her self-esteem to learn that the man she loved and married (and to whom she bore children to) actually prefers other men is probably beyond imagining.

However, the one I feel most sorry for is Phil's old colleague GORDON The GOPHER, who'll now be subjected to endless speculation as to whether or not he and Phil enjoyed anything more than a purely platonic friendship.  Let's face it, the jury was always out on Phil anyway, but to discover that gopher Gordon shared his tendencies would be just too much to bear.  (Gordon was always the star of that double act in my opinion.)  

At the time of writing, Mr. Schofield has so far not commented on whether he'll be changing his surname to McCAVITY.

Posted in: Cartoons